CREATING NEW MEMORIES

Satisfying an unmet need: creating a new memory

Human nature compels us to seek satisfaction for our unmet needs. Too often, we do this in ways that are unconscious, unhealthy, or unsuccessful.

This exercise will help you identify an old wound, name the feelings and beliefs connected to it, and begin to create a new, healing memory through imagination and Ideal Parent imagery.

There are four steps in this exercise:

The Event

The Feelings

The Inner Voices

The New Memory

  • Write out in detail all you can recall about a wounding or painful event.
    Leave enough space between lines so you can add notes later.

    Example:

    I remember being in the 4th grade and getting back an assignment from my teacher, Mrs. Bradshaw. At the top of the paper I saw the letter D written in bold print. It was math class. I could hardly believe I was seeing that D.

    My first thought was that I could not bring the paper home to show my parents. I quickly went up to the front of the room and threw the paper in the wastebasket. Mrs. Bradshaw saw me do this. To my horror, she called out my name and insisted that I retrieve the assignment in front of the entire class. She said she would be calling my parents.

  • Re-read each sentence carefully and write down the emotions you felt at the time.

    Example:

    I remember being in the 4th grade and getting back an assignment from my teacher, Mrs. Bradshaw.
    SCARED – INADEQUATE – WORRIED

    At the top of the paper I saw the letter D in bold print.
    SHAME – ANXIOUS

  • Next, listen for the words you were saying to yourself in that moment.
    These inner voices often form the core of our beliefs about who we are and how the world works.

    They shape our emotional “thermostat.”

    For example, in the story above, a warning voice might say:

    “Don’t show your mistakes.”

    Our inner voices are formed from meaning we assign to early experiences. They become our “truth,” even when they’re not rational or universal. If your inner voice says, “No one loves me,” it may be hard to take in love even when it’s offered.

    Common Inner Voices:

    Negative Predictive Voice: “You’ll never get good grades.”
    Warning Voice: “Don’t let others know your faults.”
    Voice of Doom: “You’ll be in big trouble if people see the real you.”
    Voice of Truth: “Don’t trust others. You’re all alone.”
    Voice of Dissociation: “Don’t know, don’t feel.”
    Voice of Criticalness: “You’re dumb and stupid.”
    Voice of Shame: “No one would ever accept you.”
    Voice of Logic: “Everyone has bad days.”
    Voice of Reasonableness: “Parents can’t know how you feel unless you tell them.”
    Voice of Judgment: “No one will like what you say.”

    Take a few minutes to identify the voices that arise for you and write them beside your Event and Feelings.

  • Step 1: Write the story of a painful memory.
    Step 2: Identify the emotions you felt.
    Step 3: Name your inner voices and the beliefs they represent.

    Now, you’re ready to create a new memory that brings healing.

  • Write out the story again—but this time, imagine that Ideal Parents are there with you.

    What would they have said or done?
    What facial expressions or tone would they have used?
    Would they have held you, comforted you, or stood by your side?

    Picture these Ideal Parents helping you with your feelings, even if those feelings include anger, guilt, or shame.
    Let yourself imagine being that little child—this time, surrounded by parents who saw you, protected you, and cared for you every day after that.

    Let your body feel peaceful and calm.
    Breathe in the sense of safety and love.


    Imagine having carried that feeling with you—through childhood, adolescence, and into your adult life now.